Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
