You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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