Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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