I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
