elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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