Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
