Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...
A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
