turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
