I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
