fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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