It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize