Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
