How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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