I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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