Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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