I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
