would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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