if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize