also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
