I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Shame is for Republicans.
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