i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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