you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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