Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
