seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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