have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You have to summon your inner elephant
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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