We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
