he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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