on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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