Got a toothbrush?
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
