god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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