Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize