I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize