I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
