I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize