Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
