He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
