bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
