I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
