i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
