Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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