I accidentally had phone sex last night
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Randomize
