I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
