do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
