i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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