i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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