If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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