I met the friendliest cop last night
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
