If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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