I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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