i think i scared a bird with my dick
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
