grandma shit on top of the toilet
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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