She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
