can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think my moral compass just broke
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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