i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
