Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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