he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize