put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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