Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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