I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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