i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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