Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize