They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
