I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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