She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Shame is for Republicans.
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